Tales Of Brave Ulysses.....

I get compliments very often, well...not compliments, but i get noticed on my Frugal lifestyle. Having no job or other means of income i get asked "HEy, why the hell are you still alive?" So, i've deicded to help you folks out. I call todays segment:

HOW TO STAY LAZY AND KEEP COZY:

Disclaimer: This technique is only useful to people from large families and or younger children in the family. Also, it helps if your parents didnt expect much out of you in the first place because of past experiences with their other children.

Rule #1: Why leave home when your stuff is already there?

Most of my friends go to college out of town and even out of state. Some of them stay in town but decide to get their own place. You are all stupid. Why go out into the real world just yet? For about 50 more years of BS. Screw it. When you get out of High School, tell your parents you need a year to THINK. In reality, just spend the time watching old episodes of MAMA'S FAMILY and eating Doritos. Tell your parents you will go to college when you figure out why you should.

Rule #2: Fake a nervous breakdown.

This is fairly simple. After you have left High School, claim that you don't know what you want to do in life. Stop talking. Mumble to yourself and dont eat as much. When your parents are concerned, tell them you don't know why you're alive. They will tell you that you need to get out od the house and find a job. Ask them philosophical and existential questions. Eventually they'll find something better to do, and you can get back to MAMA'S FAMILY, it's always on somewhere.

Rule #3: Go to a Community College.

Community College is cheap. You don't really wanna go there; but its either this or get a job. And there you can meet some people who share similar interests, like not going to class. Start a band, an acting group, a coalition of the willing, do anything to keep your mind off responsibility. And if youre going to school, make sure your parents know how hard you're working in school work. They'll love that you're out of your depression and in school, they'll think youre doing something with your life. Also, sneek into the AV room and watch some MAMA'S FAMILY.

Rule #4: Be able to fake a great physical injury.

When your parents want you to work around the house..tell 'em you've pulled a muscle in your groin area. They wont check, trust me. Also, limp often. If you can get sick or know somebody who is sick, make out with them. If you're enrolled in College full time (12 credit hours), you're probably insured, so you can afford a trip to the doc. While waiting in the lobby, check the TV to see if MAMA'S FAMILY is on.

Rule #5: If you'll get a refund, ALWAYS complain.

You know the golden rule 'The Customer Is Always right"? It's not Gold, it's Platinum. The employee has no right to deny you the right to a refund no matter what. And if he does, play the race card. It doesn't matter, ANY race. It doesnt even have to be YOURS. When you eat a bag of chips and it offers a refund if you're NOT satisfied, take em up on it. IF you buy a movie from Wal Mart, complain that it wasn't edited like you had expected. When you get your refund, quickly go and buy Season 3 of MAMA'S FAMILY on DVD.

Rule #4: Make sure at least one sibling is worse off than you.

IF you're the youngest, odds are, you're not the black sheep. You're "The baby", therefore... the loved one. All mistakes made on other kids are usually learned by your parents at this time. Therefore, there's always one or two screw ups in the family. Now, they're not necessarily screw ups, per se. They might just still be in a rut, or are unemployed for long periods of time. When asked to do household work, point out that your other brother hasnt had a job in about a year, and he's still living at home. And if youre NOT the youngest, simply mention that your parent is a little too soft on your younger sibling. Say that you fear they'll end up like you, jobless, slothy, and watching MAMA'S FAMILY.

Rule #5: Make sure your parents have cable. Don't waste money on rentals.

Why waste money on rentals when you've got 5 channels of Showtime? Tape movies off of TV if you need to. If you're a fan of WIDESCREEN, dont fret. Lots of Movie channels these days show movies in their theatrical aspect ratio because of High Definition Television. And its not stealing, if your parents are paying for the channels, its pretty much implied in the contractual agreement. So Pop in a tape, and get that 3 hour block of MAMA'S FAMILY on TV LAND.
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I hope you enjoyed my little guide and i hope you put it to good use. Remember, the lazy life is a burden to some, but the active life is a beast to all.