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I get compliments very often, well...not compliments, but i get noticed on my Frugal lifestyle. Having no job or other means of income i get asked "HEy, why the hell are you still alive?" So, i've deicded to help you folks out. I call todays segment:


HOW TO STAY LAZY AND KEEP COZY:

Disclaimer: This technique is only useful to people from large families and or younger children in the family. Also, it helps if your parents didnt expect much out of you in the first place because of past experiences with their other children.



Rule #1: Why leave home when your stuff is already there?

Most of my friends go to college out of town and even out of state. Some of them stay in town but decide to get their own place. You are all stupid. Why go out into the real world just yet? For about 50 more years of BS. Screw it. When you get out of High School, tell your parents you need a year to THINK. In reality, just spend the time watching old episodes of MAMA'S FAMILY and eating Doritos. Tell your parents you will go to college when you figure out why you should.




Rule #2: Fake a nervous breakdown.

This is fairly simple. After you have left High School, claim that you don't know what you want to do in life. Stop talking. Mumble to yourself and dont eat as much. When your parents are concerned, tell them you don't know why you're alive. They will tell you that you need to get out od the house and find a job. Ask them philosophical and existential questions. Eventually they'll find something better to do, and you can get back to MAMA'S FAMILY, it's always on somewhere.



Rule #3: Go to a Community College.

Community College is cheap. You don't really wanna go there; but its either this or get a job. And there you can meet some people who share similar interests, like not going to class. Start a band, an acting group, a coalition of the willing, do anything to keep your mind off responsibility. And if youre going to school, make sure your parents know how hard you're working in school work. They'll love that you're out of your depression and in school, they'll think youre doing something with your life. Also, sneek into the AV room and watch some MAMA'S FAMILY.

Rule #4: Be able to fake a great physical injury.

When your parents want you to work around the house..tell 'em you've pulled a muscle in your groin area. They wont check, trust me. Also, limp often. If you can get sick or know somebody who is sick, make out with them. If you're enrolled in College full time (12 credit hours), you're probably insured, so you can afford a trip to the doc. While waiting in the lobby, check the TV to see if MAMA'S FAMILY is on.


Rule #5: If you'll get a refund, ALWAYS complain.

You know the golden rule 'The Customer Is Always right"? It's not Gold, it's Platinum. The employee has no right to deny you the right to a refund no matter what. And if he does, play the race card. It doesn't matter, ANY race. It doesnt even have to be YOURS. When you eat a bag of chips and it offers a refund if you're NOT satisfied, take em up on it. IF you buy a movie from Wal Mart, complain that it wasn't edited like you had expected. When you get your refund, quickly go and buy Season 3 of MAMA'S FAMILY on DVD.


Rule #4: Make sure at least one sibling is worse off than you.

IF you're the youngest, odds are, you're not the black sheep. You're "The baby", therefore... the loved one. All mistakes made on other kids are usually learned by your parents at this time. Therefore, there's always one or two screw ups in the family. Now, they're not necessarily screw ups, per se. They might just still be in a rut, or are unemployed for long periods of time. When asked to do household work, point out that your other brother hasnt had a job in about a year, and he's still living at home. And if youre NOT the youngest, simply mention that your parent is a little too soft on your younger sibling. Say that you fear they'll end up like you, jobless, slothy, and watching MAMA'S FAMILY.


Rule #5: Make sure your parents have cable. Don't waste money on rentals.

Why waste money on rentals when you've got 5 channels of Showtime? Tape movies off of TV if you need to. If you're a fan of WIDESCREEN, dont fret. Lots of Movie channels these days show movies in their theatrical aspect ratio because of High Definition Television. And its not stealing, if your parents are paying for the channels, its pretty much implied in the contractual agreement. So Pop in a tape, and get that 3 hour block of MAMA'S FAMILY on TV LAND.
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I hope you enjoyed my little guide and i hope you put it to good use. Remember, the lazy life is a burden to some, but the active life is a beast to all.
posted by Harry 5:41 PM

WOW!!! TODAY IS 03/04/05!!!! 3-4-5! There will never ever be another 3-4-5 for another 100 years!!! LIVE IT UP, PEOPLE!!!! I'll see you guys next year on 04/05/06! Peace!
posted by Harry 9:02 PM

The presentation project in my speech class is basically 4 or 5 people are supposed to find a charity, business, or other organization adn create a new product or service. Today in Speech class, Group 1 gave their presentation today, it was about the AIDS epidemic in Africa, and th eproposed a LIVE AID 2 for it. They gave their presentation like they were on OPRAH. IT was pretty nicely done, and at the end on the presentation they revealed that under our seats...."OPRAH"'s gift to us... were a bunch of free condoms. They also had a big bag of safe sex materials, including female condoms and all sorts of other crazy (sometimes flavored) stuff. It was pretty cool, and I ended up with about 10 or 12. That's about more than a lifetime supply for me.

It is not humanly possible for a girl to "pee". It annoys me when they say they have to pee. Girls can't possibly 'pee'. They can urinate alright, but they cant 'pee'. Why? Because GUYS pee. Because they have a PENIS. The PENIS lets out PEE. And if youre waiting in line for the bathroom for a really long time you PENIS holds your PEE. Girls have a VAGINA, so when they have to urinate they should say..."Hey I'll be right back, I gotta VAG." C'mon, you women fought the women's lib fight for decades for equality, not imitation.
posted by Harry 2:15 PM

My dad said the following to my sister....

"Oh no, I got gas... and I'm wearing Long Johns. You know what happens when you fart while wearing Long Johns, right? It's terrible. It bubbles, then travels up and comes out the neck."

posted by Harry 6:05 PM

While strolling through Foleys when leaving the mall today I noticed that a mannequin i saw was (wow, look at that saw is was backwards...wow) nippin' very bad. And I felt kind of bad looking until i realized it was not a living female. But seriously folks, is it really NECESSARY to give a mannequin nipples ? Is it to show what the outfit will look like when it's cold outside? I don't get it.

Yesterday I saw a guy with an eyepatch while pumping gas. He was buy cigarettes and giving the gas station attendant shit for not being able to locate his brand. He was a tough lookin dude. But skinny tough. He wasnt very muscular it seemed, but he looked like he'd been around the blocks a few times and shot people on a regular basis. Imagine Ted Turner if he had killed 10 men, and with an Eye Patch and a muddy Minivan.

Well, I got two REALLY REALLY LAME PIECES OF SHIT for news today. First of all, as any Quentin Tarantino with a computer and loads of spare time on their hands knows, QT suggestedt last year that he would like to make the next James Bond movie with Pierce Brosnan. He wanted to make a non-comedy version of "Casino Royale" because he didnt like the original. Pierce Brosnan wanted him to do it too. Brosnan said he would only make the next James Bond movie IF Tarantino was directing it. He claimed it would be more character oriented and fairly low budget. Months ago they were claiming that they were having trobule coming up with a good enough storyline for the next James Bond anyways.

Well, guess what the next 007 movie is gonna be?










Yes, this WOULD be badass news had I not heard that Pierce Brosnan stated earlier this week he would not be in the next James Bond movie. Not that I'm necessarily a HUGE fan of him (although I do think he was a good James Bond), but that means that without him there would be no reason for them to let Quentin direct it. And I was right. The guy directing it is MArtin Campbell, director of "GoldenEye". And that is extremely lame. It wouldnt be so bad had I not had hopes for Tarantino to make the movie. And now, it'll most likely be nothing special. A wasted oppourtunity if you ask me.




The OTHER crap news. Veteran actor/director/civil rights activist OSSIE DAVIS died today. He recently played JFK in "Bubba Ho-Tep", which he was awesome in. And he was great as Da Mayor in "Do The Right Thing" (which he delivered the film's title, and which he was the light of hope and voice of reason in the film). He was great in every part I've seen him in. And he was one of those actors that always made you happy to see in a movie. A movie was always better with him in it. Ironically, the last movie he was working on when he died was called "Retirement". If you're interested for more, go here. Goodnight good sir.



posted by Harry 6:01 PM

I so desperately wanted to keep my streak going and post for a third day in a row, but alas, i have nothing interesting to talk about. So I'll just type the words that come to mind within the next three minutes...


Why in the hell did I take speech?


I have to use the bathroom....but I've got 2 minutes left.


I wonder how much damage it does to hold it in.


I sure do hold it in often.....I never use public restrooms....Hey, Harry, remember that one time in middle school? When you went to the bathroom and that mexican kid Michael followed you out and he and that kid Isaiah followed you in the bathroom and started beating on the bathroom stall and started throwing water and stuff and yelling and laughing at you while you were goin'.

Remember when your good ol buddy Travis came in and told them to stop? And told you it was cool to come out and they had left...then added..."Phew! Goddamn, Harry!"

I wonder if the teacher noticed 4 kids asking to use the bathroom at the same time.

Was that the same teacher who never saw "A Clockwork Orange" and I told her she should see it when she gets a chance?

A friend of mine's significant other supposedly didnt use the bathroom the whole time they were in Germany.

I wonder why you can't flush toilet paper in Mexico.




Times up, adios.

posted by Harry 11:04 PM

My mom was telling us a story or telling us to do something while we were in the kitchen..i dont remember, but my mom cannot pronounce "WASH" correctly. She says "WARSH". She calls "Washington" "Warshington". It must be some sort of regional dialect thing, anyways my brother started making fun of her like he always does. "Gee, mom... I dunno how to WARSH anything..how exactly would one go about doing that?"

I came to her defense sort of..."Oh come on, you know exactly what she's talking about, you've lived with her for how long?"

My Mom said, "Yeah, 26 years. I didn't live with MY mom that long."

He left the kitchen, and went to his bedroom without saying a word.

Zing.

posted by Harry 10:07 PM

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